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NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



BAHER'5 Edition' 
or PLnY3 m 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST 







coPvptawT m-^iQ f^v WALTER M aAKCR ^ oa 



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W. PiNERO. Seven male and five female char- iAV 

and an interior, not at all difficult. This admirable farce is too well known ^|/ 

hrough its recent performance by the Lyceum Theatre Company, New York, to Mr 

leed description. It is especially recommended to young ladies' schools and ^|^ 



T^TTF AlVTA^OTM^ I a Farcical Eomance in Three Acta. By Arthur 
1 jni:. xyjyLTLZJ^Jl^^* \ ^y pij^^erq. Seven male and five female char- 
acters. Costumes, modern: scenery, an exterior 
fficnlt. This admirable farce is too well known 
through its recent performance by the Lyceum Theatre Company, New York, to 
need description 
colleges. (1895.) 



THE CABINET MINISTER. { JiJ^l^,^j^o^^r,n^ M/' 

■■~~~~~~~~~~~""~~~~~"""~^~~~"^^^"'^~""~' and nine female characters. ^|/ 

Costumes, modern society ; scenery, three interiors. A very amusing piece, in- W 

genious in construction, "and brilliant in dialogue. (1892.) ' ^|^ 

nATJDV "nine I -^ Farce in Three Acts. By Arthur V. j£>inero. Vf 

x^jr^^i^ A xxxv-ix^* Sevenmale, four female characters. Costumes, mod- ^k'A 

' ern ; scenery, two interiors.' Tliis very amusing piece Vr 

was another success in the New* York and Bostoa' theatres, and has been ex- ^|^ 

tensiv^ly played from manuscript oy a^iajeur^ for wliom it is in every respect W 

suited. It provides an unusual number of capital character parts, is very funny, ^k'g 

and an excellent acting piece. Plays two hours and a half . (1893.) Vf 

THE HOBBY HORSE. | ^'^^^"^^J^^^^^^^J:^^- ^f/ 

acters. Scenery, tMo interiors and an ex- ^|% 

terior ; costumes, modern. Tliis piece is best known in this country through the \f/ 

admirable performance of Mr. John Hare, who produced it in all the principal ^k'g 

cities. Its story presents a clever satire of false philanthropy, and is full of \l/ 

interest and humor. Well adapted for amateurs, by whom it has been success- Jk'^ 

fully acted. Plays two hours and a half. (1892.) yjf 

V" T ADY EOUNTTFUI I ^ ^^*y *" ^^"^ ^<^*»- By arthlr w. 
i^AJ^ I I^^UIN 1 irUJ ^^ [ pj^^eko. Eight male and seven female cbar- 
acters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, four ... 

interiors, not easy. A play of powerful sympathetic interest, a little sombre in \Mi 

key, but not unrelieved by humorous touches. (1892.) Hr 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST 



OR 



THE LATE MR. EARLY 



H dfarce Comeb^ in Ubree Bets 



s/ 



By HILTON COON 



AS PERFORMED ONE SEASON WITH SUCCESS BY THE DON C. HALL 
COMEDY CO., TOURING THE WESTERN STATES 




BOSTON 



~~ ' — '~ •' imp ff 



1898 



.^ 



< 



^%^%^' 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST 



^^t^cLt: CHARACTERS. 
17995 

Ephesus Early, owner of the Weeping Willow Minerui c^pnngs Hotel. 

Llewellyn Early, his son. 

Pemberton Dust, back from Klondike. 

Indis Guys, a detective, seeking rest. 

Zachariah Pemblechook, a practical bell-boy. 

Cordelia Quicklove, a widow at twenty-seven. 

Lotta Dust, her fathe/s heiress. 

FiFi, a French maid. 



Act I. 
Morning. 



TIME. 

Act II. 

Noon. 



Act III. 

Night. 




Copyright, 1898, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 

Special Notice.— The author of The Widow from the West 
reserves to himself all stage rights to the said play. Amateur dramatic 
clubs may produce the comedy without paying royalties, but in all 
other cases permission must be had from the author. 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

SCENE PLOT. 

Hall backing. 



door 



T 







CfOO^ 



i 



® 



f'oQo 
© 



© 



door 







Fire- \ 
placej_ 



Curtain in door. Picture on wall, " Love one another." 

I. Roman chair. 2. Table and chairs. 3. Couch covered with Denim, 
fixed with lid to lift up and room inside for Welly. 4. Roman rocker. 
5. Old-fashioned high back chair. 6. Water tank labelled Ice Water. 
7. Palm. 8. Clock, old fashioned, room for Welly inside. Plenty 
pillows on couch. 



COSTUMES. 



Ephesus.— Act I.— Light trousers with smoking jacket. Act IL— Dress- 
ing-gown over same trousers. Act IIL — Dress suit. 

Llewellyn.— Act I.— Plain suit. Modern. Acts II. and IIL— Long, 
old-fashioned dress to button clear down over pants and shirt. Wig 
with cork-screw curls and old-fashioned poke bonnet. 

Dust. — Modern. Act III. — Dress suit. 

Zach.— Bell-boy suit. 

Indis.— Plain business suit. 

Cordelia. — Act I. — Widow bonnet. Black dress, very fussy. Act II. — 
Same dress, white collars and cuffs. Act III. — Black and white evening 
gown, elaborate. 

LoTTA.— Act I.— Pretty yellow dress. Act II.-— Stylish walking gown. 
Act HI. — Evening dress, white. 

FiFL— Act I.— Purple gown. Act II.— Pink. Act III.— Bright red. 




THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST, 



ACT I. 

Scene. — Parlor of The Weephig Willow Mineral 
Spring HoteL 

See scene plot for setting of stage. Curtain rises to '' Home^ 
Sweet HomeJ' Zach. enters, followed by Indis ; Zach. 
carries grips, etc. They co7ne down, 

Zach. This way, sir. 

Indis. So, this is the Weeping Willow Mineral Springs 
Hotel — rather homelike to say the least. Does Mr. Early ex- 
pect me ? 

Zach. He got a telegram from you sayin' to save room 
thirteen. It was easy enough to do that. 

Indis. Then the hotel is not crowded 1 

Zach. Not that, but thirteen's in the garret. This is Mr. 
Early's private house. He's usin' it until his hotel scheme gets 
settled. He's only runnin' a hotel 'cause his wife don't want him 
to. 

Indis. Because his wife don't want him to ? 

Zach. You see, sir, the springs was discovered and Mr. 
Early made up his mind that it would be famous all over the 
world, so he wanted to start a hotel. His wife thought the call- 
in' wa'nt quite aristocratic enough, so he got rid of her by send- 
in' her to Europe fer six months. 

Indis. Ha ! Ha ! Quite a clever scheme. Mr. Early 
must be a smart man. 

Zach. Well, he didn't sell tombstones in New York fer 
nothin'. 

Indis. And now, Mr. — Mr. 

Zach. {bowing). Pemblechook at your sarvice, sir. 

Indis. Mr. Pemblechook, tell me about the people here. Any 
ladies ? 

Zach. {nudging him). Oh ! that's it, is it ? Well, there's Miss 



O THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Dust. A girl whose father's just come back from Klondike. He 
brought all kinds of tin with him. 

Indis. Noirueaiix riches, That'ssomething I despise. Any 
others t 

Zach. Well, the best one's to come yet. She's a young widow 
from Cincinnati worth live hundred thousand dollars. 

Indis. Whew ! Five hundred thousand dollars ! Do you 
know her name ? 

Zach. Quicklove or something er other. 

Indis. Where have 1 heard that name before? {Starts ; 
takes book from pocket.) Ah ! here it is. {Reads.) " One of 
the assumed names of Miss Grace Gartford of New York. She 
travels under several aliases, and gets money from admirers 
from working upon their sympathies— young, very stylish — 
blonde — age about thirty." So — so, Miss Gartford, you will be 
Mrs. Quicklove here, eh ! W^ell, I shall take great pleasure 
in exposing your little swindles. {To Zach.) Please to show 
me to my room ; garret or no garret, I must have that unlucky 
number. It is my mascot. 

Zach.. Just follow me. [Goes off with grips, 

Indis {followi?ig). And, Mr. Pemblechook, as soon as the 
widow arrives let me know. [Exit. 

Enter, R. u. e., Dust a^id Lotta. They are qtiarrelli^ig. 

Dust. I ain't tellin' no lie. 

Lotta. And you're not telling the truth, either. That head 
of yours gives you dead away. 

Dust. Head or no head, I can't see why a man can't take a 
social glass of beer when he wants to. And especially when he 
don't have to pay for it. 

Lotta. There's a difference between a social glass and 
twenty glasses. Father, I know just as well as I know anything 
that you were on a racket last night. 

Dust {aside). So do I. {Aloud.) Well, what if I was ? 
Ain't I my own boss ? 

Lotta. Of course you are, But you must remember your 
promise to me the last time you swore off. 

Dust. Which time was that ? 

Lotta. The morning after you sold your claim. You said if 
you ever drank another drop, I could have anything I asked for. 

Dust. And what do you want ? 

Lotta. I want a man. 

Dust. A man ? 

Lotta. I said a man. 

Dust. All right ; I'll buy you one. 

Lotta. I don't want you to buy me one. I want you to givg 
me one. This man won't be bought. 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 7 

Dust. You show me the man that won't be bought and you 
can have him. Who is he ? 

Lotta. A man — that's what he is, a man — a man who 

Dust. Well, you don't think I'd want you to marry a woman, 
do you ? 

Lotta. — can protect me and doesn't drink, nor chew, nor 
swear 



Dust. Yes, but it's only a question of time after you get hold 
of him. 

Lotta. His name is Llewellyn Early. 

Dust. What ? What ? That idiot ? My daughter marry 
an innkeeper's son ? Never ! 

Lotta. I thought you liked ^Ir. Early, paw. 

Dust. I did, but Don't you mention getting married to 

that brainless kid again. Why, his father got me full last 
night. 

Lotta. And you refuse to let me marry him ? 

Dust. Of course I do. 

Lotta. Then listen, father ; Llewellyn means " Like a Lion." 
He's determined to have me, and I've determined to have him. 
Nothing can come between us. 

Dust. Llewellyn means like a lion does it ? Why don't you 
say like a cat ? 

Lotta. You insult the man I love, but I shall forgive you 
because I don't think you're over your jag yet. Where are you 
going ? 

Dust. To find Ephesus Early. We'll see if we can't sepa- 
rate you two children. You go play with your dolls. [Exit. 

Lotta. Separate us ! He don't know what he's talking 
about. But he said I couldn't have Welly, and I will, come 
what may. I'll wait until he's over his jag and then I'll ask him 

again. If'he don't consent Oh, well. He'll have to give 

in, that's all. [Exit. 

Ephesus {offc). Zach ! Zach ! Come here ! 

[He e7iters C, head do7ie tip in bandage, a7td with heavy 
effe c ts of last n igh t. Z A C H . en ters after h iin . 

Zach. Yes, sir. 

Eph. Were you here last night ? 

Zach. Yes, sir. 

Eph. Then what time did this come ? [Holds out letter. 

Zach. I got it at the post-office about eight o'clock. 

Eph. Why didn't you give it to me '^. 

Zach. Why, I did, but you couldn't read it straight. You 
asked me to read it to you, and I did ; then you sent an answer 
by telegram telling her not to come, — that you was sick abed. 

Eph. Zach, don't you tell a soul about that. Here — here's a 
quarter. Now read that letter to me again. [Sits, 



8 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Zach. [takes letter and reads). " My clear Ephesus. (EPH. 
groans.) You will, I expect, be surprised to hear from me, espe- 
cially as I have'nt written to you for twenty-five years. But the 
fact IS I've forgiven my sister for marrying you, and have decided 
to make you a visit in the near future. All my pets are dead 
— the cat, the dog, and all but the parrot. I shall bring her with 
me, and will arrive on the ten o'clock train Thursday morning, 
Your loving sister, Angelina Wheeler." 

Eph. Now, what in the deuce does that old hag mean by 
coming here ? (71? Zach.) You say I sent her a telegram tell- 
ing her not to come — that I was sick abed. 

Zach, Yes, sir, I wrote it for you myself. 

Eph. Good. I wasn't a fool even if I was drunk. Here's 
another quarter for you, Zach. Don't mention this to any 
one. 

7A2Jfi\!i {taking quarter). You can trust me for that, sir. [Exit. 

Eph. These bell-boys come high, but w^e must have 'em. Oh ! 
how my head does whirl. 

\^Goes over to tank and bathes it in water. 

Enter Welly. 

Welly. Ah ! good-morning, father ; does your head ache ? 

Eph. Oh no ! — oh no ! — not at all. I was just bathing my 
hands. 

Welly. Yes, looks like it, doesn't it ? My gracious ! What 
a head ! 

Eph. Well, it's all there and more too ; that's a fact. 

Welly. I guess it is. 

Eph. My boy, after you've been married twenty-five years 
and haven't been parted from your wife for thirteen, you can 
sympathize with your father. 

Welly. I do sympathize with you, father. But say, father, 
seriously speaking, I've come to ask you an important question. 
I want your consent to my getting married. 

Eph. You GO ? You do .'* My boy, I've long looked for this 
moment. Ever since you were a little chap m dresses I've said 
to your mother : *' Maw, Welly'll want to get married some 
day, and when he does he'll come to his paw and say, • Paw, I 
want to get married.' " And I made up my mind to take your 
hand and tell you, God bless you, lad, God bless you ! Who's 
the woman ? 

Welly. Miss Dust. 

Eph. What ? That silly, snickerin' schoolgirl. Never ! 
Why — demme — her father got me drunk last night. 

Welly. Father, you're not over it yet. If you were, I should 
be offended at what you say. As it is I shall wait until you 
are sober. Where are you going ? 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 9 

Eph. To find Dust. I'll see if you'll marry that Klondike 
claim-chaser's daughter. Oh," how my head does whirl. [Exit. 

Welly. He'll see if I'll marry that Klondike claim-chaser's 
daughter, will he ? Well, so will I. Nothing can come be- 
tween us. 

Enter Lotta. 

Lotta. Oh, Welly, I've asked paw. 

Welly. And I've asked paw, too. 

Lotta. No use to tell you what mine said. You could read 
a volume in my eyes. 

Welly. Mine said yours got him full last night. 

Lotta. He did, did he ? Well, that's just exactly what mine 
said about yours. I wonder which is right. 

Welly. I think it's just about a tie. {Sees letter Oft table.) 
Hello ! What's this ? — a letter addressed to my dear Ephesus 
and signed your loving sister, Angelina Wheeler. I didn't know 
paw had a sister. 

Lotta. What is it ? 

Welly. Oh, this is rich. A sister-in-law paw hasn't seen 
tor twenty-five years, coming to visit him, while maw's away. 
Going to bring a parrot, too. Won't she make things hot, 
though ? Wait. That's what this telegram means. {Takes 
telegra7n from pocket.) It's addressed to Mr. Early, and Zach 
gave it to me. {Reads.) " Your telegram received and I will 
not come. Angelina." So she isn't coming. I must give this 
to father. He is probably worrying. 

Lotta. No, no, don't. 

Welly. Why not ? 

Lotta. Because I have a scheme by which I think we can 
gain their consent to our marriage. 

Welly. What do you mean ? 

Lotta. That you must be Miss Wheeler. 

Welly. Me ? 

Lotta. You. Dress up like an old maid. It says in this 
letter that she hasn't seen him for twenty-five years, and your 
father won't know what she looks like. Get a parrot, lots of 
bundles, and arrive on the train. Make love to my father, and 
make love to yours. Finally you propose to mine, and when 
he refuses, you sue him for breach ; then release him only on 
condition that I can marry Mr. Early's son. 

Welly. Impossible. Why, I ain't a woman. 

Lotta. He won't know the difference. Now don't say no ; 
go to Parker's — he'll give you a dress, parrot, and a wig. 
Oh, won't we have fun ? 

Welly. Well, I don't know about that. 

Lotta. She says: *• Your telegram received." Now, you 
must write another and tell him the telegram didn't come, and 



lO THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

that you're coming any way. Quick, there's no time to lose ; 
remember you have to arrive on the eleven o'clock train. 

Welly. By ginger, I'll do it. 

Lotta. Of course you will, if you want to marry me. 

Welly {sits at table). Here's the telegram blanks ; now, 
what shall I say ? 

Lotta. Say, " My dear brother." 

Welly. " My dear brother." [^Repeats after her ; business. 

Lotta. " I didn't get your telegram, so shall come on the 
train as stated." {W^eia^y repeats.) There now, put it in this 
envelope and I'll deliver it to Zach. You hurry to Parker's 
and get ready. I shall expect to see you a girl before very long. 
[^Starts to exit. 

Welly. Wait a moment, Lottie, Angelina means angelic. Am 
I so very like her 1 

Lotta. You're a little angel. So, hurry up. Miss Angelina 
Wheeler, your brother-in-law expects you on the noon train. 
Ta, ta. [Lotta exit. 

Welly. Ta, ta. Well, of all the consarned old things I ever 
got into, this beats 'em all. Changed from a boy to a garru- 
lous old maid in fifteen minutes. [Exit. 

Enter Ephesus. 

Eph. At last the early train's in, and now I shall view my 
lovely wadow. Only twenty-seven years and worth a mint of 

money. {Comes down.) Now, if I wasn't a married man 

\Music. Zach. enters c, followed by Cordelia a7idY\Y\. 
Cordelia takes off bon?iet. 

Cordelia. At last ! How fatiguing this travelling is. I 
thought we would never get here ; but one is recompensed by 
the grandeur of the scenery. {Sees Eph.) Ah ! Mr. Early, I 
presume ? 

Eph. Yours till death, madam. [Bows. 

Cordelia. I am delighted to know you. This moment has 
been looked forward to with pleasure for some months. What 
with religious duties and the death and care of my poor hus- 
band, I am quite overdone. (Sits.) Fifi, my salts. (FiFl 
brings salts.) Ah, how refreshing. I thought for a moment I 
should faint. 

Eph. What's the trouble ? 

Fifi. Ze madam lost her purse, and eet has troubled her 
memory. Zat ees all. 

Eph. Well, well, some clever pickpocket, 1 suppose. But 
don't let that worry you, Mrs. Quicklove. You are my guest, 
remember. 

Cordelia. You are very kind. Fifi, you may go to my room 
and arrange my dresses. Be caretul not to muss them. 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. II 

Pifi, I am always careful, madam. Come, monsieur bell- 
boy — show me ze room, 

Zach. I can't until we get there — come on. 

[Exeunt. Cordelia sighs and leans back in chair, 

Eph. Is there anything I can do for you, madam ? 

Cordelia. Nothing, thank you. I am so glad to be in a 
place of rest that it seems almost heavenly to me. What a 
beautiful home this is ! 

Eph. Then you like it ? 

Cordelia. I admire it very much, and I am sure that my 
stay here wdll be most pleasant. I have said nothing to you 
about terms in my letters, Mr. Early. They are something I 
never mention. 

Eph. And they are something I will not mention to you. 
Stay and enjoy yourself, and believe me the terms will not be 
too high. 

Cordelia. Thank you. {Pause.) Are you a married man, 
Mr. Early ? 

Eph. I am — or w^as — that is 

Cordelia {rising). Say no more. I understand you clearly 
— and you have my utmost sympathy. 

S^Lays her head on his shoulder. 

Eph. Madam, I hope you don't think I 

Cordelia. You have lost your help-mate — so have I. {Sighs.) 
Mr. Early, I shall like it here, I know I shall. 

{Goes to window. 
Enter Dust. 

Eph. {aside). Now, if I w^asn't a married man. 

\Biis, Dust wants an introdiiction to Mrs. Quicklove. 
Mtcch btisiness J filially. 

Eph. Ahem ! Mrs. Quicklove. One of my boarders, Mr. 
Dust. 

Dust. Delighted to know you, madam, I assure you, de- 
lighted to know you. 

{Goes up to her s they go to wi?tdow and pay no 
attentio7i to Eph. 

Eph. Well, that is what I call nerve. Dust don't need to 
think just because he's back from Klondike that he's got a 
monopoly. Now, if I wasn't a married man I wouldn't give 
him a show. [Exit. MRS. C. a7id DuST co?ne dow7i. 

Dust. Yes, indeed, I have heard of you many times. Your 
arrival has been talked about by all the boarders. (Mrs. C. 
sits.) And maybe you won't believe me, but I know how old 
you are. 

Cordelia. Oh, Mr. Dust. \Hangs head. 

Dust. Fact. Why, there ain't anything about you but what 
I know what it is. 



12 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Cordelia. Oh, Mr. Dust. 

Dust. Fact. I think you're mighty good lookin', too ; but, 
say, you don't want to let Early get too good a standin'. 
Cordelia. I don't understand you, Mr. Dust. 
Dust. Well, perhaps, I ain't quite clear. I'm all right when 
I talk to a lot of miners, or when I go to shoot a bear. But 
give me a woman — consarn it, I get mixed up every time. 

[Si/s down by her, 
Cordelia. Say no more. It isn't necessary for you to make 
yourself clear to me. I'll pretend to understand you w^hether I 
do or not, and I think we're getting real well acquainted, don't 
you ? I feel as if I'd known you for years. [Eph. enters back. 
Dust. Is that so ? {Aside.) Jemmini, but I am making 
headway ! 

Eph. {coming dow7i). 'Scuse me, 'scuse me, Mrs..Quicklove, 
but I wanted to ask you about that view from the hall window. 
Thinkin' of havin' it changed, you know. Will you look at it ? 
Cordelia. Certainly, if you can use my poor advice. 

\They start tip ; a whistle is heard off. 
Eph. Jumpin' Jehosapot ! That's the train from Wheeling. 

[Enter Zach. with telegra?n. 
Zach. A telegram for you, sir. 

Eph. For me — where from ? {Opens it.) Wheeling, W. 
Va., by Jo! {Opens telegram; reads.) "I didn't receive 
your telegram, and shall come on the train as stated. Angelina 
Wheeler." {Collapses in chair.) Didn't get my telegram ! 
Now, how^ in thunderation did she know I sent it ? 
Cordelia. Are you ill, Mr. Early ? 

Eph. Oh, no, not serious. Zach, come here. (Zach. 
crosses over.) What was in that telegram I sent last night ? 
Zach. " Don't come ; sick abed. Ephesus." 
Eph. I knew it. I knew it. Oh ! Lord, how my brain does 
whirl. {Starts up.) Quick, make me a bed. 
Zach. A bed where ? 

Eph. Everywhere, anyw^here. I'm sick, deathly sick. There, 
make it on that lounge. I've got just ten minutes to prepare 
for that Wheeler. 

\Miisic. Ge7ieral consternation. Everybody goes out, and 
returns bringing clothes, etc. They make bed up07i 
couch, a7id whe^i it is done Eph. takes off coat and hops 
in. \^OTi:\ QXii^x^ C. a7id stops dumbfounded. Laughs. 
Zach. exit ciud retur7is with bu7idles, parrot, etc., fol- 
lowed by Welly 7nade up as old 7naid. Welly runs to 
his father and k7ieels by couch. Kisses hi7fi as 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



THE WIDOW FROM TH^ 'veST. 1 3 



ACT II. 

Scene. — Same as before. Ephesus lyt7ig on couch sajne as 
when curtain went down Act 1. Welly, as old maid, sits 
by him, fanning him. 

Welly. There, there, I hope you're much easier now. (Eph. 
groans.) Let me ^y. your pillow for you. Theie, — why, you 
foolish man, to send me a telegram not to come. ^*. Of course I 
W'Ould come to nurse you. 

Eph. It's so kind of you — especially after all these years. 
Then — then, when Maria's away, too. 

Welly. Don't mention Maria. It was wrong of her to go 
away to Europe and leave you all alone. Fancy a man left 
* alone when he doesn't know how to take care of a household. 
Brother, from this moment you shall rest in peace. I shall take 
the management of things upon myself. (¥.VY{. groa7is.) No, 
don't thank me. To think you being alone wath all those ser- 
vants. Ephesus, who was the woman in black 1 

Eph. Who ? 

Welly. The woman in the black dress ? 

Eph. That ? Oh, yes^ — that's my nurse. 

Welly. Your nurse. I didn't know you had a nurse. You 
mustn't keep her — she seems most too frivolous for a nurse. 
Who was the girl in yellow ? 

Eph. Who ? 

Welly. The woman in yellow ? 

Eph. That ? Oh, yes ; that's -that's my other nurse. 

Welly. Your other nurse ? So you have tw^o nurses. 

Eph. Angelina, I've been an awful sick man. 1 had to have 
two nurses — so one could relieve the other. They have to sleep 
you know ! 

Welly. A nurse isn't supposed to sleep — and I don't think 
they're quite the proper nurses for a brother of mine. After 
a while I shall inspect their rooms. If I find anything unneces- 
sary I shall discharge them. (Eph. groans.) Yes, for I don't 
think you need a nurse now that I am here. (Eph. groans.) 

Welly. What's the matter, dear ? 

Eph. Nothing, only my head. 

Welly. Does your head ache ? Well, well, I'll go and make 
you some sassafras tea. 

Eph. {aside). Better make a bromo-seltzer. 

Welly. And, Ephesus. There is one thing I hope you won't 
mention to Maria. Te-he-he-he ! I kissed you when I came, 
and I never kissed a man in my life. 



1 4 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Eph. Vou don't need to worry — I won't mention it ! 

Welly. Thanks. I'd feel so ashamed if you did. Te-he-he- 
he ! There, take this fan and I'll make the tea. 1 won't be 
gone long. [Exit. 

Eph. Oh ! you don't need to be gone long. Gosh ! what a 
spasm of conventionality that is. 

\Fa7is hi7nsclf furiously, then finally throws off cover 
and gets up off lou7ige. Has on dressing-gown and 
pants, Zach. enters. 

Zach, Mr. Early, is that the person you sent the tele- 
gram to ? 

Eph. I guess it is. Why ? 

Zach. Well, she won't let any one do a thing. 

Eph. Yes, she's taken the management of things upon her- 
self — now. Isn't she a peach ? 

Zach. Oh ! she's a la-la. I say, Mr. Early, you don't want 
to hire some one to shut her in the cellar, do you ? 

Eph. No ; but I'll give you a quarter if you'll go and tell 
her there's no sassafras in the house. 

Zach. All right, I'll tell her. What's more, I'll tell her 
there's no water. I Takes quarter, and exit. 

Eph. (takes cigar fro7n pocket and lights it). Oh ! what is 
so rare as a day in June ? Well ! I suppose I've, got to go to 
bed, and all on account of that telegram I sent. ♦' Don't come 
— sick abed." \Sits 07t lounge ; Cordelia puts her head 

through curtains, 

Cordelia. May I come in, Mr. Early ? 

Eph. {jumps). Oh ! it's you. Of course you can come in, 
I thought it was that cat with nine lives. 

Cordelia. Are you referring to your sister-in-law, Miss 
Wheeler 1 

Eph. That's who I mean ? 

Cordelia. She is so quaint. From Wheeling, did you 
say ? 

Eph. (nods). She has quite won the hearts of us all, espe- 
cially Miss Dust. They are out in the hall kissing and hugging 
each other now. 

Eph. Well, I hope she don't come back here. See that 
cursed bed, Mrs. Quicklove ? I've made it, and I'm forced to 
lie in it, too. And all on account ol that accursed woman. 
Quaint, did you say ? \Groans and smokes, 

Cordelia. I hope you don't think me rude for coming into 
your presence this way. 

Eph. Oh, no ; not at all. It's a relief to see a face like 
yours after looking at all those wrinkles. Ugh ! 

Cordelia. The fact is, Mr. Early, that I'm in sore distress. 

[She sits on couch and sobs. 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WKSt. 15 

Eph. What ! You in sore distress ! Well, now, what's the 
matter ? Don't cry. 

Cordelia. I can't help it. I lost my purse coming here, and 
— and — the man who was to deliver my trunks refuses to do so 
until the charges have been paid. 

Eph. How much were the charges ? 

Cordelia. Only seventy-five cents ; but my maid — I was to 
pay her her salary to-night, and she threatens to leave me un- 
less I do. It's one hundred dollars. 

Eph. One hundred dollars to a maid ! 

Cordelia. Ah ! Fiti is a French maid, and they are so expen- 
sive. I telegraphed to my bankers for money, but I have to 
wait until it comes. It's so humiliating to have a drayman 
refuse to deliver my trunks. The dresses will be so creased too, 
I fear. [Sods. 

Eph. Well, well, now don't worry. I can let you have two 
hundred or so. [Takes 7}i07iey from pocket, 

Cordelia. Oh ! you kind man. If you could only let me 
have three hundred, I would feel that I could never repay you. 

Eph. {counts out three hundred). There ! Don't mention 
anything about repaying it. I'll just charge it in with your 
regular bill. [Hands money. 

Cordelia. Oh ! I thank you so much. I shall go now and 
show that drayman a thing or two. {Starts.) Stay ! you have 

been so kind, that — that {Comes back.) Well, there's 

nobody looking, and I don't care if you really w^ant to 

[Lays her head on his shoulder and sighs ; he puts his 
arm aroiuid her and kisses her ; she slaps him lightly 
and runs off, L. i E. 

Eph. Now, if I wasn't a married man. 

[Smokes ; gets ifito bed. DuST enters C. 

Dust. Mr. Early, I want to know — 

Early. I'm glad you do. 

Dust. If this is a sanitarium or a hotel ? I've been cajoled 
and hugged and kissed by that woman from Wheeling. Now 
she tells me to take sassafras tea. I can't stand it any longer. 

Early. Well, Mr. Dust, you are at the Weeping Willow 
Mineral Springs Hotel, and you are at perfect liberty to go at 
any time. 

Dust. I don't want to go. I'd rather stay here, even if you 
did get me drunk last night. 

Early. Enough of that. It was you who got me drunk. 

Dust. You proposed the first drink. 

Early. What if I did ? You proposed the last one. 

Dust. How do you know that ? You didn't know which 
way home was. 

Early. Well, I notice I got here, for here I am, and I don't 



1 6 THE WIDOW FROM THK WEST. 

think you brought me. The last I remember was you waiting 
for that tree to come up and carry you home. 

Dust. No matter where 1 was then. It's, as you say, Mr. 
Early, where I am now — here — here with that plagued Wheeler 
woman. She actually told me she loved me. 

Early. You can't blame her for that. She's never loved 
anything but dogs, cats and parrots, all her life. Her pets are 
all dead now but the parrot, so naturally she turns to you. 

Dust. Do you compare me to a beast, Mr. Early ? 

Early. I didn't say so, did I ? 

Dust. Well, if I thought you meant it, I'd 

[Takes him by the 7ieck and puts knee on chair. 

Early. Ouch ! Dust, ouch ! Never strike a man when he's 
down. 

Dust- That's so, I forgot that. Well, I'll let it go this time. 
But remember, if that woman — that man-hater don't leave the 
house before night, I'll go. 

Early. That's my sister-in-law. My beloved sister-in-law, 
whom 1 haven't seen for twenty-five years, and I'm surprised at 
a man of your intelligence to ask me to have her leave the 
house. Why, Dust before I'd send her out, I'd go myself. 

Dust. Well, then, let her stay ; but I'll get even with you 
for this. Early. [Exit. 

Enter Welly. He carries cigarettes, red silk stocking a7td 
photographs. Early hides cigar. 

Welly. Ephesus ! I can't find any sassafras, but I did find 
some catnip ; it's just as good and the water's on bilin'. 

Early {aside). Oh, Lord ! Catnip tea ! 

Welly. And, Ephesus, after I put the water to bile, I thought 
I'd go through the nurse's room and here's what I found. 

Early. A stocking ! 

Welly. A stocking ! 

Early. Horrible ! Horrible to think you found a stocking 
in my house ! Give it to me. I shall confront her with the 
proof of her guilt. Anything but a stocking in my house — and 
a woman wearing it too. 

Welly. And that's not all — I found these. {Looks at pho- 
tos ; reads.) Lillian Russell, Delia Fox, Marie Tempest, 
Verona Jarbeaux, Irene Verona, and lots of others. Ephesus, 
they're actresses. 

Early. Let me see 'em. 

Welly. No, sir, they're not fit to pass from the hands 6f a 
woman to a man. They are not fit for eyes that are cultivated 
to dwell upon. Ephesus, you might look too long. 

Early. Oh ! no, let me see 'em please ! 

Welly. No, for that's not all I found. See these ! {Holds 



tHE WIDOW FROAI THE WEST. I J 

Up cigarettes.) Cigarettes — contaminating, contaminating. If 
I were a married woman— 

Early. But you're not. 

Welly. But if 1 were, and found cigarettes in my house, 
I'd burn them. 

Early. How'd you do it — smoke 'em ? 

Welly. I'd burn them in my house. And now you keep that 
stocking and I shall keep these. We shall confront her with 
her guilt. 

Early. We shall. 

Welly. And if she acknowledges them, I shall discharge 
her. 

Early. You will discharge her ? 

Welly. Yes, as not being a fit woman to nurse my brother. 
{Smells the air.) What's that ? Ah ! it's my catnip tea. Have 
patience, brother, you shall soon get your catnip tea. 

{Ru7is off. 

Early. Patience ! Patience ! With that around. {Sinokes 
vigorously.) Never ! 

Enter Cordelia carefully, 

Cordelia. All alone, Ephesus ? 

Early. Always alone to you. 

Cordelia. I've paid that horrible drayman, and he's gone. 
Ah ! what a day may bring forth. [^Sighs. 

Early {sighs). Ditto ! 

Cordelia. To think of me, a widow, being brayed over by a 
drayman. Terrible ! 

Early. Yes, but what do you think of me being brayed over 
by an old maid. Terrible ! 

Cordelia. We must suffer for those we love. 

Early. And we must suffer for those we don't love. 

Cordelia. All my life the way has been dark and dreary. 
Something has always happened to mar it. Would you like to 
hear the story of my married life, Mr. Early ? 

Early. Of course I would. 

Cordelia. I was married when I was sixteen to a man who 
was sixty. He loved me, and I in return detested him. All 
that time my life was miserable. Finally, he died. The strain 
was so much upon me that I came here to be alone. And now 
that I am here, I'm afraid I won't be able to stay. Mr. Early, 
I'm alone in the world now — no one to care for me or love me. 
Won't you promise to protect me ? 

Early. Wait a moment before I answer. Is this yours ? 

[Holds up stocking, 

Cordelia. Why, no ! It belongs to Fifi. Wherever did you 
get it ? 



1 8 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Early. Oh, that don't count ; suffice it to say that I will pro- 
tect you, and, if you don't mind, love you just a little. 

Cordelia. Oh ! thank you ever so much. And now I will be 
going, f^ifi can come and read to you if you like. 

Early. No, thanks. I'll get readin* enough this afternoon. 

Cordelia. I'll see you just as soon as I come back. I'm going 
walking with Miss Dust. (Starts.) Oh! [Comes back.) You 
are my protector now. 

Early {kisses her and she exit). Now if I wasn't a married 
man. 

Enter Guys. 

Guys. I wonder if he is in here. {Sees Early.) Can you 
tell me where I can find Mr. Early ? 

Early. You have found him. He lies before you. 

Guys. Lies before me. 

Early. Yes, I'm sick abed — that is, for to-day. You see — 
well, I can't explain now, but to-morrow you will know all. 

Guys. I am Indis Guys, the new boarder. I am glad to 
know you, Mr. Early. 

Early. Thank'ee. Thank'ee. Most everybody is since I've 
discovered these springs. 

Guys. And a great discovery it is, to be sure. Your name 
will be famous, Mr. Early. 

Early {aside). Not if my wife finds it out first. 

Guys. I am delighted with your views — the one from this 
room and the one from the garret. I shall rest here — at least 
I think I shall. 

Early. What is your occupation ? 

Guys. I'm a detective. 

Early {rises up ; gasps). A detective ! 

Guys. A detective. Of course, I travel incognito. No one 
knows me, for no one has ever seen my face. 

Early. Not even your mother ? 

Guys. My mother has been dead eighteen years. No one 
has seen my face since that time. 

Early. Where do you carry it ? 

Guys. In its usual place ; but I am in disguise. 

Early. I see — a guys all around. 

Guys. I have worked hard for the last year — so hard, in fact, 
that I had to seek this place in rest ; but since coming here I 
have discovered a new case to work upon already. 

Early. A new case here ? 

Guys. Right here in this hotel. Mr. Early, I am sorry to 
inform you that I have discovered a noted criminal in one of 
your arrivals to-day. 

Early. To-day ! Which one ? 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 1 9 

Guys. I shall mention no name. Suffice it to say that be- 
fore many moons are past, she shall be under arrest. 

Early. She ! You said she ! Arrived to day. By Jove, 
you mean Angelina. It's not Angelina after all. I sha'n't stay 
in this damned bed another minute. {Hops out.) Send for the 
police at once. 

Guys. Don't be too hasty, Mr. Early. It may not be the 
correct person alter all. Then we would be in a pretty fix. 
Rather you stay in bed and pretend to deceive her. 

Early* Then I am right. 

Guys. I mention no names, but I want you to help me out. 
Get into bed, and if any one wants to borrow a small sum of 
you, lend it. It will be returned ; and as for me, I will hide in 
the next room and listen to any conversation that may pass be- 
tween you. [Exit. 

Early. All right. I'll do it, and I won't do a thing to her 
either. Yes, I'll even drink that catnip tea. 

[Gets m bed as Welly enters with tea. 

Welly. Your tea's ready, Ephesus. You will drink it now ? 

Early {aside). Yes, I'll drink it now, but later on you'll do 
the drinkin' act. 

[Takes tea and drinks j makes a big sputter over it. 

Welly. There, that was a good man ; and now, Ephesus, 
have you any money handy ? I want to go shopping. 

Early (Guys looks out door; motions). Eh! oh yes, how 
much ? 

Welly. Oh ! about a hundred plunks'll do me. 

Early. \Vhat ? 

Welly. I mean a hundred dollars. 

Early {counts out nioney). There you are. 

Welly. Thank you, brother. 

[Starts to go ; enter Cordelia and Lotta. 

Cordelia. A delightful walk, indeed. I am much refreshed, 
too. 

Lotta. And naw you can go. Miss Wheeler ; we will care 
for Mr. Early until you return. 

Welly. Not much, you don't. You don't either of you care 
for my brother. 

Cordelia. W^hy, what do you mean ? 

Welly. You're both discharged. 

Cordelia. Discharged ! [Lotta laughing. 

Welly. You are discharged. You are not fit to nurse my 
brother. 

Cordelia. But you can't discharge me. I'm a boarder — not 
a nurse. 

Welly. A boarder ! 

Cordelia. Certainly. 



20 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Welly. uphesus, you have deceived me. (A/ word 
*' boarder '' YEARLY collapses on lounge.) Look, he's fainted, 
poor man ; get some water. 

[Cojislernaliofi. Welly runs to ice tank and takes out 

chunk of ice. Co7?ies down a7id puts it on Early's 

head. Early j^Z/j" aiid jumps up and iiito centre of 

stage. 

Early. Enough of this — enough ! I've stood your runnin* 

this house just as long as I can. I've drunk your tea. I've 

given you money, and — and — damme if I'll stand it any longer. 

[Cordelia /^//^/j- y Lotta laughing; ^yaa^y with hajids 

up and Early i7i centre of stage, with raised hand. 

Guys looks i?i through curtains. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

Scene. — The same. Stage in order at curtain. Zach. is 
sitti7ig on lounge. FiFl in door, C. Zach. reading dime 
novel. 

Zach. {reading). " As the Indians gathered around him 
dancing the war dance and preparing for the massacre, One- 
eyed Eddie rushed down the mountain side shooting right and 
lett ; with one shot he killed seven of the Indians, and with 
another he killed the rest. Thus Reginald de Montrovers was 
rescued for the ninth time that day." 

Fifi. Oh, pshaw ! Put ze book away. I don't care for what 
you call ze Indians. I never see zem. 

Zach. Well, you just walk down Broadway, New York, and 
you'll see lots of 'em. {Aside.) In front of cigar stores. 

Fifi. But in Paree — gay Paree — zey doan have zem. You 
nevar see ze Indian, ze Chinaman or ze Dutchman. All French. 

Zach. All French — but give me the spice of life every time. 

Fifi. Vat you call ze spice of life ? 

Zach. Variety — a few Dutchmen, some niggers, a Chinaman 
or two, and last of all, the Indians. Some day I'm goin' out 
west to fight 'em, just like " One-eyed Eddie." 

Fifi. Vone-eyed Eddie. He was von Frenchman. 

Zach. Nop — a Mexican in disguise. No Frenchman could 
ever catch all those Indians. 

Fifi. But ze French are clevair. Ah ! give me Paree — gay 
Paree. [hitroduce Frejich song assisted by Zach. ; 

afterwards exit 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 21 

Enter Indis Guys. 

Guys. AH arrangements have been made> and to-night I 
hope to capture two very clever swindlers. I have discovered 
that the old maid is a man, and possibly a partner of the widow. 
I shall arrest them both. 

Enter Cordelia. 

Cordelia. All alone, Mr. Guys, and musing ? 

Guys. All alone and musing. 

Cordelia. Wouldn't you like company ? I feel in no happy 
mood to-night myself. I'm in sore distress. 

Guys. Tell me w^hat troubles you. Perhaps I can be of 
assistance. 

Cordelia. I'm afraid not. And I don't like to tell you my 
sorrow — you would be shocked. 

Guys. Let me judge of that. 

Cordelia. Ah, but you would not think well of me. 

Guys. Do not worry yourself about that. 

Cordelia. Well, then, I'll tell you. Mr. Early has insisted 
upon my paying my board in advance. Of course, I came here 
prepared, but my purse was stolen. What can I do ? 

Guys. A small matter — take this. {Draws bills from 
pocket,) Will two hundred be enough ? 

Cordelia. A sufficiency, until I hear from my banker. I have 
written him to place three thousand dollars at my disposal in 
the bank here, so you need have no trouble but what the money 
will be returned. 

Guys. I am not afraid of not getting my money back. I 
would not lend it to you if I were. 

Cordelia. You are so kind. I will go now and relieve Mr. 
Early of his anxiety. {Starts.) Stay ! {Comes back.) You 
have been so kind that I think I ought to — well, 1 really don't 
mind if you want to. 

{Falls m his arms ; he kisses her j she slaps him 
and runs off. 

Guys. Too bad — too bad. That one so young and unas- 
suming should be so beautiful. [Exit. 

Enter Dust a7id Welly ; Welly pretending to knit. 

Welly. Yes, Dusty, I always did love my knittin'. Why, 
when I was a little girl my mother used to put me on her knee 
and let me knit. {Aside.) Nit. 
. Dust. Old people are rather inclined to knit. 

Welly. Sir ! 

Dust. I beg your pardon. I said that old people are rather 
inclined to knit. 



22 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Welly. Can it be that you are referring to me ? 
Dust. Present company always excepted, Miss — what is 
your age anyway ? 

Welly. Oh, Dusty, this is so sudden. 

[Falls stiffly in his ar?7ts, DuST looks around, seeki^ig 
where to put him. Laughter off. Finally he hops 
over to clock with him after much trouble, gets him 
i7i clock a?id locks door. Sits down on couch and fans 
himself. 

Enter Cordelia. She is laughing. Dust is about 
exhausted. 

Cordelia. Oh, Mr. Dust, I've been looking for you every- 
where. It seems as if you have only known me a short time, 
yet you try to avoid me. 

Dust. Avoid you, Mrs. Quicklove ? On the contrary, I 
rather like to be wuth you ; but you are so popular here even if 
you are the arrival of only a day. 

Cordelia. Then why are you here alone ? You are always 
alone when I find you. \_She sits by hi?n. 

Dust. Waiting for you — always waiting for you. 

[The clock begins to buzz, the hands to tur7i round and 
round, and finally begins to strike very fast. Both 
rise and run to it. Dust backs against it, so Cordelia 
can't look in ; clock stops. 

Cordelia. Why, Mr. Dust, what's the matter ? 

Dust. Oh ! nothing. The clock's got a fit, that's all. 

Cordelia. A fit ? 

Dust. A fit. It has 'em quite often — quite often. This is 
the fifth one to-day. 

Cordelia. What can be the matter in this place ? There 
seems to be such a maze of mystery. An unfathomable maze. 

Dust. An unfathomable maze. The house is haunted. 

Cordelia. Why, Mr. Early told me it hadn't been built two 
years yet. 

Dust. Yes, but he built it in the same spot that used to be a 
cemetery. Ghosts and spirits are said to hold their nightly 
revels here. 

Cordelia [sits 07i couch and sobs). Ah ! that reminds me, 
spirits and ghosts — would that my darling were here to protect 
his little wifey. 

Dust. Madam, what is it ? 

Cordelia. He wouldn't stand it to let me be subjected to 
such insults and ridicule as I have received here. 

Dust. Insults ! Here ? Who would dare to insult so esti- 
mable a young woman as yourself. Show me the man, and I'll 

Cordelia. It's Mr. Early, [Sobs. 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 2^ 

Dust. Early ! Damn it. That drunken puppy ! Mrs. 
Quicklove, don't mind him, but what did he do to you ? 

Cordelia. Mr. Dust, when my poor husband died I came 
here thinking it to be a place of rest. Instead it is so full of 
mystery and insults that I am going to leave. 

Dust. Leave ? 

Cordelia. Yes ; this morning while coming here I was so un- 
fortunate as to lose my purse. It contained enough money to 
pay my board bill in advance, as Mr. Early always asks it. I 
couldn't pay him, and w^hen I told him he would have to 
w^ait until I w-rote my bankers, he grew angry, insulted me, and 
told me I was an impostor. [Breaks out again j sobs. 

Dust. There, there, Mrs. Quicklove. I wouldn't mind him. 
He's nothing but an old married crank, anyway. 

Cordelia. Married ? 

Dust. In course. Do you suppose a single man would act 
that way ? 

Cordelia. He told me he was single. Oh, the vile propensity 
of man. [Rises and goes up stage ; clock commences 

again, DuST backs against door. 

Dust. The clock again ! {Clock stops as Dust takes moftey 
fro7n pocket.) Here, take this, it is only a small loan, but you 
must pay Mr. Early your board. You're w^elcome to all I have, 
and until your banker writes, you consider yourself under my 
protection. 

Cordelia. Oh 1 thank you. {Starts.) I'll go and pay Mr. 

Early ; and stay {Comes back.) You are my protector 

now, and I don't think there's any one looking, so I don't mind 
if you really want to. 

[Falls in his arms, sighs j he kissses her. She 
slaps him and ri^ns off. 

Dust. She's rrihie — -she's mine forever ! [Exit. 

Enter Early ; clock commences again. He runs to door and 
opens it. Welly falls out stiff in his arms. He tries to 
push hi7n back ; too stiff. Finally drags him out and over 
to lounge J opens lid and chucks him in; sits 07i louftge 
and fans himself with a pillow. CORDELIA enters ; comes 
dow7i and sits by Early ; sighs. 

Cordelia. All alone, Mr. Early ? 

Early. No, not quite — er — you're wuth me. 

Cordelia. I've been looking for you. I am always looking 
for somebody. Why, you seem so warm. 

Early. Oh, no, I'm not warm ; just a little uncomfortable, 
that's all. 

Cordelia {draws closer). And are you quite sure I don't dis- 
turb you ? 



34 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Early inputs his arm around her ; DuST enters, sees them 
and stops ; ltste?is). I am quite sure. [Aside.) If Dust could 
only see me now. 

[Welly inside lounge begins to kick and scream ; 
Cordelia jimips up j Dust exit. 

Cordelia. What's that ? 

Early {still sitting). What's what ? 

Cordelia. That noise ? Some one is bein^ murdered, and it 
sounds like your sister-- Mrs. Wheeler. 

Early. Oh, no ; no such good news as that. 

Cordelia. But investigate, Mr. Early ; you cannot let a 
woman go undefended in that manner. 

Early. I don't dare to move. 

Cordelia. Don't dare ? 

Early. The lounge has got a fit. 

Cordelia. The lounge in a fit, too ? Is this the -seventh or 
the eighth ? Is there anything around here that don't have fits ? 

Early. Yes, me. \As he says this Welly ptishes the lid 

up, and Early rolls off lounge, 

Cordelia. And you've got one now. 

[Early gets up and runs off stage j Welly 
rises up fro7n inside of couch. 

Welly. Air — more air ! . 

Cordelia {screams). Angelina Wheeler ! 

Welly. From Wheeling. He put me in there, after propos- 
ing marriage to me — to me. Te-he-he-he. 

S^Gets out of lounge a7id puts lid down j 
sits, re-arranges wig, etc. 

Cordelia {goes over and puts her arms around him). Are 
you hurt, dear Miss Wheeler t 

Welly. How nice that feels. That's the first time a girl has 
hugged me since my sister left home. Won't you sit down ? 

[Pulls her beside hijn on couch, 

Cordelia. I am quite sure we shall like each other, Miss 
Wheeler. 

Welly. I'm sure we will. \Kisses her. 

Cordelia. Ouch ! 

Welly. What's the matter ? 

Cordelia. Something sharp. Just like a man's beard. 

Welly {aside). By Jove, I haven't shaved this morning. 
{Aloud.) Oh, it was a beard. Mrs. Quicklove, I have one. 

Cordelia. How funny. 

Welly. When I was a little girl I used to want to shave, and 
so I got a razor and tried. I — I — scraped so hard, it made the 
hair grow, and now I have to shave every morning. 

Cordelia. Every morning ? 

Welly. Every morning. Another thing I did when I was a 



THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 25 

little girl was to learn to smoke cigarettes, and now I have to 
smoke them too. 
Cordelia. Often ? 

Welly, Not very often, but I have fits once in a while. 
Cordelia, Do you have fits, too ? 

Welly. Smoking fits, and then I smoke two or three boxes a 
day. I feel one coming on now. 

{Takes cigarette from pocket and lights one ; 
blows smoke in Cordelia's face. 
Cordelia. How lovely. 
Welly, What, do you smoke, too ? 

[Lights a cigarette for her ; they both sinoke. 

Enter Guys. 

Cordelia. Isn't this lovely ? 
Welly. It's bliss — untold bliss. 

\Goes to kiss her. As he does GUYS puts his face between 
and they kiss him on each cheek. 
Guys. So, so, my pretty birds, IVe caught you at last, eh ? 
[Takes handcuffs from pocket and claps them, one on 
Cordelia's haiid and one 07t Welly's. 
' Cordelia. What does this mean, sir ? 
Guys. It means, Miss Gartford, that you've swindled your 
.ast admirer, and that your friend here, this man, is caught 
with you. 

Cordelia. This a man ! Ugh ! Why, I never saw him 
before. 

Enter Early, c. 

Guys. Well, Mr. Early, I've caught 'em both. 

Early. Caught 'em both ! My stars ! 

Cordelia. There is some mistake, Mr. Early. This man has 
arrested the w^ong party. (Enter Dust.) I shall wTite my 
banker. 

Guys. Don't believe that, Mr. Early ; she has no banker. 

Dust. But she has ; I'm her banker, and her husband to be. 

Guys. You to marry her ! 

Dust. Exactly. And I'll give you just one minute to un- 
fasten that bracelet. [Pulls out pistol. 

Guys. Oh ! Well, if you w^ant to marry her, why, that's 
different. [Takes off bracelet. 

Enter Zach., r. 

Zach. I guess this telegram must be for you, Mr. Early. I 
found it on the floor in Mr. Llewellyn's room. 

Early {takes telegram ; reads). " My dear Ephesus. Your 
telegram received. I shall not come. Angelina Wheeler." 



26 THE WIDOW FROM THE WEST. 

Enter Lotta and Fifi, l. 

Early [to Welly). Then you are not Miss Wheeler ? 

Welly [takes off wig). My name is 

All. Llewellyn Early. 

Lotta. It's all my fault. When you wouldn't let us marry, I 
tliought it would be a good way to gain your consent. 

Welly. Yes. It was a good way. 

Early. My children, if you had asked me at the proper 
time, I would have given my consent, but take a morning after 
I had been out on a 

Welly. Yes, we all know ; but how about now ? 

Early. Well, if Dust don't care 

[Dust is talking to Cordelia. 

Lotta. Oh ! he don't care for anything but that widow. 
Come, Welly, you're mine forever. 

Welly. Well, wait till I get this confounded dress ofif. 

[Welly goes to takes off dress. 

Lotta. No, no, not here. 

Welly. What's the diff — I've got on pants. {Takes off dress,) 
Zach, return these things to Parker. I've no use for them. 

Cordelia. Mr. Early, I've promised to marry Dust. If I had 
a sister, I might marry you to her. 

Early. Oh, you couldn't, 'cause I'm already " A Married 
Man." 

Early, Zach. and Fifi, 

c. L. c. 

Welly and Lotta, Cordelia and Dust, 

R. L. 

CURTAIN. 



MOiH^ RLPlVS f^or GIRI-S. 



THE MAN IN THE CASE. 

A Comedy in Three Acts. 
By WINTHROP PACKARD. 



Six female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two interiors. Another 
good answer to the old question, *' How can we get up a play without any men ? " 
This piece provides a story of considerable interest and dramatic strength, and 
even a mild love-interest,Vithout the employment of any male characters. Its 
humor is refined, its dialogue bright, and its plot absolutely new and unlike 
other pieces of this sort. Written for and originally produced by the Emmanuel 
Club, of Radcliffe College, it is naturally well suited for performance in similar 
Institutions. Madame Bogusky, an esoteric Buddhist, Alice Roquet, a transla- 
tion into the French, and Gladys, a Radcliife Senior, are excellent parts. 

Price .... 35 cents. 

Synopsis. 

ACTl.— Aline, the French-Irish maid. A new phrase. — "wirrasthrue ! '* 
The love-lorn maid. ''Her Jack." Consulting the Mahatmas. Two Radcliffe 
seniors. Common sense vs. Theosophy. A girl's remedy. Madame Bogusky 
and the cosmic cycles. Another Jack. *' Everybody's Jack." Jacks are 

TfiUMPS. 

Act n. — The ladies' department. A messenger from India. More about 
Jack. Going to Harvard. Cap and gown. " The ghost-letter." A great (astral) 
light breaks upon 3Irs. Montressor. Following suit. " Thim fancy shrouds." 
Jacks are Trumped. 

Act III. — Radcliife dormitory. A college girl's room. A strange man. 
Aline' s arrival The power of the Mahatmas. An elopement. " A pad for 
red ink." Fumigation. Ominous "signs." The search. "The real Mr, "Wil- 
liams." Explanations. Jack takes the Tkick. 



COUSIN FRANK. 

A Farce in One Act. 
By FRANCES AYflAR MATHEW5, 

Author of " A Fi>'ished Coquette," " Wooi>'G a Widow," etc. 

Five female characters. Costumes, modern : scene, an easy interior, or 
none at all. A bright little piece, treating the old problem of " An Adamless 
Eden " in a new way. It has an entertaining story and bright and vivacious 
dialogue, which cannot fail to give twenty minutes of pleasure in parlor or hall. 

Price . . • • 15 cents. 



NElni PLHVS. 

THE LiniT OF THE LAW, 

A Drama in Five Acts. 

By JUSTIN ADAMS, 

Author of ''Triss,'* "The Rag-Picker's Child," "At the 
Picket Li2fE/' etc. 

Seven male and five female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three 
interiors and two exteriors — not at all difficult. This is a piece with a strong 
melodramatic interest and plenty of comedy. Ike Toot, a base-ball crank, 
Jinnny Keyes, a " tough," Cristy Dunlap, a sentimental spinster, and Biddy, an 
imporlatiou, constitute a great low-comedy team. Eichard Dunlap and Teresa 
are strong "heavy" characters; Robert Dunlap and Beatrice, sympathetic 
leads, and Trissy an admirable juvenile. The story of this piece is ingenious 
and absorbing, and the interest well sustained. The third act is especially 
strong, alike in interest, sympathy and humor, and presents a decided scenic 
novelty, not at all difficult. 

Price .... 15 cents. 

Synopsis. 

Act I.— Biddy's ankles. Bob's decision. A family row. Love and lawyers. 
"A three-bagger." Father and son. " When I was a boy." Flesh and blood. 
*' An insult to my dead mother." Richard the righteous. A spot on the son. 
The deserted wife. " It is true, for I can witness it." 

Act II. — Cristy and Emanuel. "Take it straight." Miss Bidelia Mahonoy. 
The check for ten thousand. Playing with fire. An appeal. Bob leaves the 
firm. Ike's adventure. The lobster salad. The false son. " Caught at last." 
A woman in the case. Off to Montreal. The wonderful telephone. The pho- 
tograph. The discovery. The saint a devil. Ruined. " You are my father 
still." 

Act III. — A plot. Trissy and Santa Claus. The good Samaritan. " Peace 
on earth and good will toward men." The shadow on the blind. Hanging up 
the stocking. Asa in a new role. A change of heart. The marriage certificate. 
Jimmy Keyes and the turkey. The robbery. "One strike — out." Saved. "A 
true wife and mother in the sight of God and man." 

Act IV. — ^Montreal. A double play. Bob and Teresa. The ** diamond." 
A clue. A pious fraud. Bagging the cat. " I love you.'* Richard again. 
** Who is that man ? " Retribution. " My God ! It is Bob." 

Act v.— Biddy and the waterfall. *' Striking a pudding." Asa as a ** boss." 
Beatrice and Bob, Ike does detective work. A misunderstanding. " I am his 
promised wife." The net closes. "Will Ike never come?" Betrayed. The 
trap sprung. " Behind prison bars." 



UNDER PROTEST. 

A Comedy in One Act. 
By JEANNE RAYMOND BIDWELL. 

Two male and two female characters. Costumes, modern; scene, an inte- 
rior. This is practically a monologue for Ballard, a very absent-minded 
personage who carries most of the interest of the play, though Louise, his 
daughter, has a certain share. With a good light comedian as Ballard, the 
piece is extravagantly fnnny. Very simple to get up, perfectly refined and 
universal in the appeal of its humor. Plays twenty-five minutes. 

Price . . • . 15 cents. 



A RIVAL BY REQUEST. 

A Comedy in Three Acts. 

By B. L. C. GRIFFITH. 

Authorof* A Bachelor's Divorce." 

Six male and five female characters. Costumes, modern and appropriate; 
scenery, two interiors. This is a comedy with an exceptionally well-constructed 
and interesting plot, abundant incident, and an unusual variety of character and 
humor. Its misunderstandings are ingenious and unforced and extremely laugh- 
able, and Pierson's confusion of Lord Anthony McMullin and Alexander Mug- 
gins, a source of unfailing mirth. In its well-marked contrasts and uniformly 
strong character it offers a peculiarly advantageous vehicle for the talent of a 
good amateur club. Plays two hours and a half without a dull moment. The 
dialogue is particularly rapid and brilliant. 

Price .... 15 cents. 

Synopsis. 

Act I. — Pierson and the cornet. Getting out of an engagement. The Briggs 
family. Smythe's English valet. On the move. Muggins. The lord or the 
lackey. Briggs and the bargain counter. Lord McMullin. A sad mistake. 
Love at first sight. The new boarders. The plot thickens. A crisis. Engaged 
to two women at once. Bad for Pierson. 

Act II. — Cutting the knot. A useless servant. A lord for a lover. More 
misunderstandings. Briggs' nightmare. Nobody's fool. The ladies combine. 
Husbands on strike. Defiance. Briggs and the ballet. A three-cornered row. 
Pierson explains. The two McMuUins. Revelations. A broken engagement. 
Another. Worse for Pierson. 

Act III. — Pierson in a plight. The two B's on a bat. " It's our wives' 
fault." An artful stratagem. The telegram. A plot that didn't work. Fixing 
it up. Muggins on thin ice. The two fiancees. Smythe's return. McMullin's 
restoration to the nobility. Worst for Pierson. Explanations. A show of hands. 
Pairing off. Muggins goes baek to private life. The band plays " Annie Laurie." 



THE REVOLVING WEDGE. 

A Football Romance in One Act. 
By THORNTON M. WARE and GEORGE P. BAKER. 

Five male and three female characters. Costumes and scenery very simple. 
A capital farce, particularly adapted for Thanksgiving Pay performances. Its 
excellent and original plot cleverly utilizes the universal mania for football, and 
builds up from this foundation an admirable progression of incidents leading to 
a most laughable conclusion. Its method will at once suggest that of the popu- 
lar ** Obstinate Family," and it can be safely recommended to any on© who has 
liked that piece. Plays nearly an hour. 

Price • • • • 15 cents* 



NElnT PLMYS. 



THE BOHEMIANS. 

A Comedy in Three Acts. 
By E. J. COWLEY. 

Eight male and four female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, easy-, 
an interior and an exterior — not elaborate. This is a piece in an attractive, 
light-comedy vein with a strong sympathetic interest and great dramatic strength. 
Its scenes and characters strongly suggest those of " Trilby/' which, however, it 
resembles only in that it concerns itself also with art and artists. Jack Brandt 
is an admirable heroic part ; Madge, a strong lead ; Bertie Follet and Blanche, 
very "up-to-date" light comedy ; Dale, Smiley and Freddy Sproul, a good 
group. Noel (heavy) and Mrs. Van Slick (character) both good. A strong piece 
for a good company, in its unusual combination of lightness and strength. Plays 
a full evening. 

Price . . • 15 cents. 

Synopsis. 

Act I.— Poverty. Jack's studio. Freddie's flowers. The Bohemians. Mirth 
and music. Jack and Noel. The busy bee. A windfall. The pangs of poverty. 
•* The dream of my life." Madge's love affair. An advance agent. The dawn of 
prosperity. *' The noble stranger." Jack's sacrifice. The legacy. Luck at last. 

Act II.— Riches. A little cloud. "That horrid pipe." Mrs. Van Slick 
and the Major. An up-to-date engagement. The deceived dude. A cooling 
heart. Madge, the <-om-boy. The Major's advice. Madge's discovery. *' Forgive 
me. Jack ; I might have known.'* The Bohemians again. Noel drops the mask. 
*' I am the master here." Jack's dog. Disowned. Jack's word. ** From this 
moment we are strangers." 

Act III. — Poverty again. The studio. Freddie and his sixteen-pounder. 
Back to the old home. Madge's surprise. Jack's reward. Noel's claim. "The 
past Is at an end." " Take me. Jack, for it is you I love." The Bohemians once 
more. ** Blessed are the poor." 



ROONEVS RESTAURANT. 

A FARCE IN One Act. 
By F. E. HILAND, 

Author of "The Old Country Store,'* "A Town Meeting," 
** Careless Cupid," " Captain Swell," etc. 

Four male and two female characters. Scene, a plain room ; costumes, 
modern and eccentric. An admirable farce, thoroughly American and modern 
in its humor. An Irishman, a Western desperado, a dude and an old maid are 
mingled in a side-splitting fabric of fun lasting twenty minutes. This piece is 
strongly recommended to those who want good broad humor and lots of it. 
It Is not a school or parlor piece. 

Price . • • • 15 cents. 



NEW PLAYS. 

OUR JIM. 

A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS. 

By EGBERT W. FOWLER. 

Author of " A Matrimo^'ial Advertisement." 

Seven male, four female characters. Costumes, modern and military; scenery, 
not difficult. Another of the popular class of strictly American comedy-dramas 
of wliicli Mr. James A. Hearne's " Shore Acres " is an a<.lmirable type. Especially 
strong ill its fidelity to rustic life and character, but of com inauding melodramatic 
iiirerest. Its humor is good and abundant, its sentiment wholesome, and its tone 
unexceptionable. It is printed from an acting copy, and possesses the terseness 
and vigor in performance that are bound to characterize a working manuscript. 
Plays two hours and a half. 

Price, . . • o o 15 Cents. 



SYNOPSIS. 

ACT I. *' jSIy Country, 'tis of thee." Hunting eggs. A sad pickle. The dance 
in the old barn. The donation. The Deacon's speech. Jim and Grace. A posi- 
tion of trust. The wayward son. The robbery. The innocent victim. "Give 
me until to-morrow — for her sake." A reprieve. 

ACT II. ''The Girl I left behind me." ]\[Hking butter and making love. 
Bob and Bess. High kicking. "Anew exercise lu the public schools." The 
]SIajor and the Mexcan war. A confession. '• Father, you do not doubt me ! " 
The accusation. Uncle John's sacrifice. The passing regiment. " God bring 
you back to us when your duty is done." Off to the war. 

A^;T he. " From Atlanta to the Sea." Debby and the Major. Personalities. 
Letters from the front. " Our Jim a Captain ! " The birthday party. A thunder- 
bolt. " Mortally wounded." The bitterness of death. " 

A<;T IV. "When Johnny comes marching Home." Hope deferred. Bad 
news. The invalid. " She must not know." Deacon Tidd and the mortgage. 
"One, two, three, git!" The ^Nlajor to the rescue. A disappointed old maid. 
The newspaper. The dark hour before the dawn. The dead alive. A prodigal 
son. The empty sleeve. 



the man who went 
to europe. 

A COMEDIETTA IN ONE ACT. 

By CLARA J. DENTON. 

Author of "A Change of Color," "To Meet Mr. Thompson," etc. 

Three male, two female characters, and a small boy. A good-natured hit at a 
very common human weakness ; very slight, but amusing. Plays fifteen minutes. 

Price, 15 Cents. 



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Call and see us or write us concerning your printing 
We print all the W. H. Baker 4 Co. PUVS. etc 



THE NOTORIOUS 
MRS. EBBSMITH. 



T'TTP' IVTAn.T^T'P AT*F I A Farce in Three Acts. By Arthur W. 
urxc VfLTLKJlO I I\a^li:^ | pi>fKRo. Twelve male, four female char- 

[ acters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, all 

interior. The merits of this excellent and amusing piece, one of the most popu- 
lar of its author's plays, are well attested by long and repeated runs in the 
principal American theatres. It is of the highest class of dramatic writing, and 
is uproariously funny, and at the same time unexceptionable in tone. Its entire 
suitability for amateur performance has been shown by hundreds of such pro- 
ductions from manuscript during the. pa^t thr^e year^. Plays two hours and. 
a half. (1892.) ' ; 

A Drama in Four Acts. By Arthur VT. 
PiNERO. Eight male and five female charac- 
ters; scenery, all interiors. This is a '* prob- 
lem " play continuing the series to which '* The 
Profligate " and "The Seconders. Tanqueray" 
belong, and while strongly dramatic, and intensely interesting is not suited for 
amateur performance. It is recommended for Reading Clubs. (1895.) 

T^T-rc* PP r^TTT Tr" A T'Th' I A Play in Four Acts. By Arthur W. PixE- 
^ -nJ-- riWjri^iyjrL l li* j^q seven male and five female characters. 

— • Scenery, three interiors, rather elaborate; 

costumes, modern. This is a piece of serious interest, powerfnlly dramatic in 
movement, and tragic in its event. An admirable play, but not suited for ama- 
teur performance. (1892.) 

^TJp Qr'WnOT MT^TP P^^ I A Farce in Three Acts. By Arthur 
i nn O^n^^Wl^lVUO l XVJIOO* y^ Pi^ero. Nine male, seven fe- 
■ ' male characters. Costumes, mod- 

ern; scenery, three interiors, easily arranged. This ingenious and laughable 
farce was played by Miss Rosina Yokes during her last season in America with 
great success* Its plot is amusing, its action rapid and full of incident, its dia- 
logue brilliant, and its scheme of character especially rich in quaint and humor- 
ous types. The Hon. Vere Queckett and Peggy are especially strong. The piece 
is in all respects suitable for amateurs. (1^4.) 



THE SECOND 
MRS. TANQUERAY. 



A Play in Four Acts. By Arthur W. 
PiXERO. Eight male and five female char- 
acters. Costumes, modern; scenery, tbree 
interiors. This well-known and powerful 
play is not well suited for amateur per- 
formance. It is offered to Afr. Pinero's admirers among the reading public in 
answer to the demand which its wide discussion as an acted play has created. 
(1894.) Also in Cloth, $1.00. 

C\7/ LTU'T' T AVPIMFiPP [ A Comedy in Three Acts. Bv Arthur 
O W J^^C^ 1 L^r\. y i:a^LJI:as.* \ ^r Pixero. Seven male and four female 

characters. Scene, a single int-erior, the 



same for all three acts ; costumes, modern and fashionable. This well known --- 

and popular piece is admirably suited to amateur players, by whom it has been %l# 

often given during the last few years. Its story is strongly sympathetic, and its ^I^ 

comedy interest abundant and strong. (t893.) ml/ 

TTHE TTTTVIFS I a comedy in Four Acts. By Arthur W.Pixero. Six Mf 

■^ "*■ •'••^ '* ^ ^ * I male and seven female characters. Scene, a single ele- \mJ 

" 7" ; gant interior ; costumes, modern and fashionable. An Vr 

entertaining piece, of strong dramatic interest and admirable satirical humor. k|j 

(1892.) Mf 

M> 

T"RF "VXTTyAT^rPP CP"V I a Comedv in Three Acts. Bv Arthur :!C 

xxjj^ W i^r>j:\j^.XV Oi:>/V^ j ^y Pikero. Eight male and eight female \l/ 

——————— —^1 characters. Costumes, modern : scenery, MC 

two interiors, not difficult. This very amusing comedy was a popular feature of \l/ 

the renertoire of Mr. and Mrs. Kendal in this country. It presents a plot of Tlf 

strong dramatic interest, and its incidental satire of '♦* Woman's Rights" em- \mf 

ploys some admirably humorous characters, and inspires many very clever lines. ?f^ 

Its leading characters are unusually even in strength and prominence, which \l/ 

makes it a very satisfactory piece for amateurs. (1894.) ;!^ 

\y 



i\ NEW OPERETTAS FOR CHILDREN. 

Iedith's dream. 

2J sin ©perctta for Cf)tllrrciu 

ip Words by MARGARET FEZANDIE and EDGAR MORETTE. 
vis Music by EUGENE FEZANDIE, Jr. 

(iSS 

my 

(US 

I ODD OPERASHEVENTIDE. 

A Collection of Short and Simple Musical 
Entertainments for Children. 



Eleven ebaracters, girls and boys, or all girls, as preferred ; ten or more addi- 
tional for cliorasj. Scenery unnecessary; costunie.s, pretty and fanciful, but 
easily arranged at home. This adniirable little pice is i>rinted complete with 
musii*. It is very tuneful and gracefully imagined, and is strongly rec'ommended 
for private theatricals or for schools. It is particularly well suited for the latter 
use, as it deals whimsically with the question of youthful study, inculcating, 
jUowever, an excellent moral. 

Price 35 cents. 






M/ By MRS. G. N. BORDMAN. 



f 

Vljl Tliis C' ' vides a simple operetta, a fairy opera, a picturesque motion 

f^ iiuMc.il pantominje, a pretty musical sketch, and two original 

yk'f itious for'-hildresi, conjplete,' with all tiie music, and fullinstruc- 

\" iiiauce. Ti»e music is tuneful andsimple, anti is specially written 

I^AJ -it'sand limitations of children in view. The solos are easily learned 

^r (ud all the ciioruses are written for voices in unison. The collection 



^k'l rccnnimen<ie<l for its simplicity and perfect [)racticability. Neither 

yr sta_:« J. •! s<«'n<'ry is (h^nanded, nor any other requirements that eannot be met 

^k'S without troiible by theequipment of the onii nary hall or church vestry, and the 

Mr v»-.ii .it ;ii. iMo-r .•.•<). mini. mI .oMimittee of arrangements. 

CONTENTS. 






hoys and girls. 

^ ' _^ 1 Six Tjlttle Orandinas, 

ierettafor\oung Pantonnmeforvervl.ittJ 



f the Browni* Tbe Boating Party. A Musical 

Vi^ <h lor Children. Sketch for Little Children. Thirty 

y/ v<. hovs and erirls. 



•i i»ay J' 

Chihlren. 
1 chorus. 




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